I have just figured out everything about me and my life. I have treated and healed myself as if someone else would do it for me, I have asked myself the right questions, and I have found the right memories that caused everything that happened so far. I understand now every single detail about my past, and I know exactly why and what for am I at the place I'm at now.
Since I can remember, I have always looked for a place where I could belong. I tried so many things for myself, only to find something that will bring me my happiness and peace of mind, even the less positive methods. I could always feel that something was missing, and I could never say I was truly happy inside because I always felt rejected and unwanted in my environment. It was always so weird to me that as long as I was "good enough" for them people were cheering and using my benefits, but when I asked for help or wanted someone to hear me I was suddenly told it was my own business and "what have you done to have this" as a response. As for today, I look back at myself with shame for how much I gave up on myself for others, I am ashamed for myself that I let people use my power back then.
Today I know my rehabilitation moved one level up, as I have figured what exactly made everything to go wrong for me, and when. Yes, I was digging deep in my memory to try and remember every detail of my past, and I can say I came with many conclusions so far. But- the biggest discovery so far was my today's after yoga thinking session. Flashbacks filled my mind and I just found the beginning of my wild journey. I have realized today, that the happiest time in my life was also the time when every thing started to fall apart, and since then I was pursuing this same feeling of real freedom and happiness.
I remember myself 4 years old, still in Ukraine, and it was winter. My mother took me to ballet classes, where I really had fun! except the fact I couldn't stand it when my mother was going and leaving me there, I really wanted her to watch me and be there for me if anything would happen, but she could never stay and finally she stopped the ballet classes for me. I was really upset, but I hoped I will be able to dance again sometime, and have my mom watch me. At the spring of that year, we went to my late grand-grandmother for the summer. She lived in a village back then, and I loved this time there! I had the chance to eat truly fresh fruit, I had the option to play around with animals and all of the family was together. I remember this time so clearly I could swear I can still remember the smell there, and I really miss this. After this, at the summer my family rented a house by the beach, and we spent the last 2 month of the summer there. I loved it even more. We were going to the beach very early, spending every morning there, and by the noon my dad and uncle were coming back with tons of shrimps they have catch, cook them and then me and my cousin were selling them to people on the street. It was so fun! In the evenings, all of the family was sitting together by the table, eating and singing songs, playing board games and cards... Where did that all go? I guess the fall after brought it's terrible consequences on our family.
I will not expand the topic of our immigration at the fall of 1997, but I will say that it effected all of us badly. Our family was broken apart because of that, everyone went their own way, and even though we sometimes still have family meetings it was never the same since that summer. I never had a chance to visit that village, and only 10 years after my grand-grandmother died. Luckily, I had a chance to say goodbye properly.
I have finally realized why I wanted so badly to live by the beach, I realized why I want all this farming form of living in my future. I truly miss this sense of freedom, and I know I am going to get it back and not only have my own profit, but also provide for other and let everyone have their benefit. I know that I was born to help others, so this is exactly what I am going to do. Unfortunately the people who surrounded me where wrong for my vision, those were people who never sow the bigger picture and were stuck in their own world, taking everything to themselves, therefore my plans to help other people to grow got dimmed and put on the background of everything else.
Today I have figured out what I was looking for, for so long, and it makes me feel so much better. I know now exactly what I need, and it clears out my vision amazingly. Seeing the reasons, learning them and acting accordingly is everything I have got left to do, in order to get to my peace of mind. I know I will do whatever I need to give my sister the life she deserves and in order to do it, I must give myself the life that I deserve. I know I am capable of anything, and I will get whatever I want in my life. I know that as long as it is up to me, I will have my happiness back.