It is so much easier to convince yourself you are in the right place for you and your life is what you deserve, it is so comforting when people think you are perfect, it makes you think nothing can hurt you. But is it really true?
For years you have been lying to yourself, making up stories and excuses to calm and heal your broken heart, trying to be better than they made you feel, pretending to be someone you're not. For anything that didn't work out the way you wanted, you had an explanation. You were too weak to confront your problems, you were scared to admit it is not the way things should be, bringing yourself down only to make people like you, even if they were the wrong people. You refused to let go of your past because you were afraid of being alone, kept ignoring the signs that was there for you all of the time. So full of self hate you were willing to die and leave this world, only to make it stop. But you kept on faking smiles and happiness, hoping it will ease the heaviness on your emotions. Your biggest wish ever was to find at least one person who will see anything special in you, who will be ready to fight for you and save you. Someone who will never let go, even when it gets hard.
I wish you could see then what I wanted you so badly to see; You were the light and sun for the people who truly cared and needed you, but you gave it away for nothing. You were never alone, I have always been there for you, but you wouldn't listen. And now that your gone, I wish I could have turn back time and save you.
You have harmed yourself to avoid your reality
When you were a child you knew you are here for others, never for yourself. Taking care of everybody around you, blocking and hiding your own feelings only to make sure no one will get disappointed in you. You had no idea how to deal with the pain, so you harmed yourself on purpose, hoping the physical pain will numb your emotions. You took it with you to your teenage, hoping this phase will be different. But it wasn't.
You were trying so hard to get attention from anyone who would agree to even look at you, that eventually you couldn't tell anymore what makes you feel good. You never had the support of your family and it made you want to disappear, you felt like this life was unfair to you, but you refused to look beyond. You were locked in the cage of your own mind, convinced with your own fairytales about a perfect life, thinking it is you who is wrong, begging for love badly, trying so hard to escape it that you have completely lost it, you gone mad. Your feelings started to disappear and a big block of emptiness filled your chest instead. You got caught in bad relationships, became addicted to pain and suffering that made you feel something more. You convinced yourself that you needed it, because you never knew anything else. Dragged yourself to the bottom and drowned in your own pain, when all you needed to do is just open your eyes to see how easily you could cross the ocean of life.
You could make it to the other side, but you chose to give up. You were so happy when you met him, you convinced yourself that finally, that one person you were waiting for came to you. Your love story was everything you ever wished for. He made you feel wanted and loved, controlled you the way you thought you needed, you felt like all your suffering was finally over. You believed in him so much that you swore to yourself you will do anything for it to last, and so you did. I was watching you giving him everything you had, and there was nothing I could do to stop you. You were madly in love with him, he was the last person who made you feel like it is all or nothing, and you chose all, knowing perfectly that this relationship will destroy you.
You never got your happy ending
When he left, you knew you would never be the same again. You couldn't face the fact it was your chance for a better life, you couldn't realize what you should do next in order to get away, so you chose to give up. You couldn't imagine your life without him, he meant everything to you. He made you a golden cage and locked you in it to protect you, and you were happy because it felt good to be so important to him. You were so grateful for this love that finally appeared that you agreed to lose it all just for him. I wish you knew that you could have so much more for yourself, I wish you would see how amazing you are and what a great life you will have if only you would let go of your past and look deeper inside, but you didn't. Instead, you tried to bring him back, make him fit to your imaginary love story. You should have known he doesn't really care, you should have known I was there waiting for you to come back to me, but you have made your own choice. You never asked for help, you couldn't take this pain anymore and you thought there is nothing to do about it. Now, I am the one who is dealing with pain and a broken heart.