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Writer's pictureThe phoenix

Learn my lesson

I know now I was right all the way, and I have definitely learned to not ever distrust my intuition and inner voice again. I always felt and feel what is about to happen, good or bad, and I must not ignore this gift I have.


I have always been the control freak type, who had been looking for someone to be stronger than myself in order to control me. I always felt like I needed outer guidance, but unfortunately had been searching in the wrong places. Fortunately, I was also smart enough to control my emotions when things became hard and ugly and whether it took me some time or I did it right away, I knew and know how and when to stop and burn all the bridges and start over.


Of course, I have made many mistakes in my life and the biggest one was trying to prove myself I was wrong, go against my own self in order to make others around me happy. I have convinced myself that it is better to disappear than being who I am. I had always tested myself upside down for an unknown to me reason. I have always known I was gifted, and yet tried to be like everybody else thinking that will make me happy and loved. That really was my biggest mistake.


It wasn't really my fault when I was a kid, it was because of how I was raised which is by the way the exact reason I also became who I am now. For most of my life I was told I ain't worth a thing, how badly I have ruined my parents lives and so on, and for many years I have been sure it is true. I have tried to hold on to my mom because she convinced me she is the only person in the world who would ever love me, and to me it was more than enough to try and satisfy her all the time. She convinced me that is how love looks like, that it must be obsessive and painful, or else it isn't love. Each time I was trying to create my own path, she would make me stay behind with made-up stories and necessity in me, saying it is because she loves me so much and never wants a bad thing to happen to me, while she herself would harm me mentally and physically every single day.


For years I have had this inner voice telling me this isn't right, this isn't how a mother loves her children, this isn't how love should be like. Yet, that was the only place I knew and so I stayed, telling myself that I am doing it for her good even if it is against mine. For the years I felt her torturing me, I developed kind of a tolerance to physical pain, it kind of became my relief for emotional pain. Since I was very little I wasn't afraid of pain and always stood still to it, but with her it became real masochism. When I finally moved out of her house, I was needing it badly, it felt like without this pain I wasn't able to achieve a single thing. I started looking for physical pain anywhere, I pierced myself every time I felt like I'm drowning and it felt good, it had brought my drive back and made me get up again. I have done crazy things in the search of self-destruction, and today I wish I wouldn't do so much in order to destroy myself but would have done this much in order to grow myself.


Years past by, and of course having this condition wasn't really easy. I have suffered from depressions since I was a child, but after leaving my mothers home the depressions became a daily thing. Of course, the need for physical pain was still there, so I have got myself caught in a few bad relationships which made me suffer exactly the way I needed it then. I thought it was love, but then clearance started coming to me. I started to realize more and more how my life should be, and from one relationship to another I came out stronger and much wiser. Each time I have realized more I do not belong to the place I was at, I knew this was not the life I wanted.


From my last relationship I grew the most and learned the most. My last relationship was exactly like with my mother, but included sex too. It was the totally wrong person for me, and he made me figure out everything for myself. He practically left me alone against everything at my lowest, and made sure to not let me get up while saying he is trying to help. I got myself back up on my feet alone, literally, after an injury and a serious financial crisis that followed my medical condition. I had no money or option to work, too much of a debt to the bank, 3 pets I had to take care of, younger sister and my both parents to pull up too. Meanwhile, I also got to keep my promise to his mother and make sure he will get the right way for himself in life and would not waste his time anymore on bullshit like before. I can't even start telling the whole story, but would just say it was a crazy ride which I will never ever forget, and I sure know I did my part with him, and he did his with me.


Today I have a great job, 2 successful businesses running and I know everything will be just great! I have learned how important it is to not expect anything from anyone, and how important it is to surround yourself with the right people. I am now on the right way to my success, and I know I will never give up on my dreams again, for anything in the world. The ones who ask you to give up on your dream for, ain't worth you sleeping with them. So I have stopped wasting my time, and I am now at a whole new chapter in the book of life. I have developed many tools in order to help myself strengthen up and help my own self, and those tools actually helped many people I have told about this. It is so great how life rewards you for being good to yourself and others, while it really punishes you for doing bad to yourself or someone else.



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