My worse enemy was always myself. I was the person who was hurting me the most, for no logical reason. Even now as I write this post, I hurt myself in a few different ways. To make myself become better, I need to first figure out everything as it is.
My parents never supported me. More than that, they were always making me feel bad about myself; They were saying I'm not talented and there is nothing special about me, that I don't have what it takes to succeed in the big world so I have to listen to them to at least succeed in theirs. I always felt like I was nothing, I was taking care of everybody around me but never heard a good word from my parents. They liked me only when I was doing exactly what I was told to do, when I tried to do things my way, I was turning immediately into the worse daughter on earth.
When my sister was born, I hoped that finally I will have someone who will be there with me and for me, I raised her since she was born and always tried to do as much as possible to make her happy and safe. I always tried to take care of my parents and excel at everything just to make them happy, and then the teenage became harder, and I became a rebel. I felt like I was choking, like I was locked in a cage where I got money- goods for good behavior and got beaten for the "bad". So I started smoking, and drinking alcohol, and having sex at a very young age, smoked weed... Until I got caught at a very bad position where I felt like there was too much of rage in me that I just had to let it out, so I did. It got me into so much trouble I can't even tell. And then I have decided to stop for a while; I have quit smoking weed, started doing sports and have found me new hobbies, I even stopped drinking alcohol for good! I managed pretty well, until my last relationship. Somehow, instead of becoming myself, I became someone I am not. This relationship took away all of my hard work I have done so far, and it dragged me down. I started smoking weed on a daily basis, smoked tons of cigarettes, almost got back to alcohol.
I am ashamed for letting such a low level person affect me so much, I am ashamed for letting him bring the monster out of me again.
I have worked so hard last time to stop this, and now I always think about how the hell have I got here, how did I let myself fall back again. I work on myself every single day, and yet I fail at the smallest things like smoking and anger. I know what I should do, but somehow I tend to choose the easier way out of many situations. Even though, I keep on doing everything I should in order to succeed, I know I must overcome this need for smoking. It really hurts my health and I just don't deserve this kind of treatment. I deserve the best this life can give, and I should take it. I can't keep going on with that self-destruction mode, it is a very bad habit. I should live and be healthy, so I could get everything I want, so I could leave a real mark behind me. But what will I leave if I'll be dead? Nothing! And for me there is nothing worse than living a life of nothingness.
In order to actually let go of my self-harming nature, I must get rid of everything that keeps me down low, I should through away all the pieces of my past, and just let go. The plan is pretty simple, but it would definitely not be easy to do. My assignment is to through away all of my past, to just let go of it.
I think about it and I feel like I'm about to cry. I should actually take all of the stuff I have at home that has anything to do with my negative past, and through it away, to let my past go. I know it is for the best, and I know it will take me very long time to find everything, but I feel like it totally worth it. I should let my mother and my ex go, I should somehow manage to erase their negative effect and clean my home from it. My ex for example, wouldn't let go of me mentally and emotionally. Just like tobacco. It sticks with me like the nicotine, and I feel like I can't let go. He was the one who was hurting me the most in the long term, and yet I begged for another puff, every single time he came to my mind. I should let go of them both, together. They are both connected in a way I can't even explain, but in order to grow, I must let go of them both.
Every time I think about him I realize he was never good for me, just like the cigarettes. And yet, every time he somehow came to my mind, I couldn't hold myself from answering his requests for attention, just like with cigarettes.
I can not allow myself to hesitate anymore. I should get rid of everything, because it will never be what I wanted it to be. This was never my dream, I deserve to be treated so much better. My mission now is to literally take everything that he gave after out break, at the time he tried to show me a better side of himself which for days turned out to be a lie, just like everything with him- and just like everything with cigarettes. I should take a picture of everything and upload it to my computer, and then pack all of the tobacco and my ex's "gifts" together and go through them to the sea, letting go of this imaginary trauma I keep going through every time I see him. I should let him go, and let go of everything that hurts my health. I should switch cigarettes to apples and hand cream, weed must become a bonus for a good profitable week, and only for the weekend when it is a day off, just like my 2019 goals say.
My plan should be complete by the end of tomorrow
I will clean and reorganize my house, so I could clean my home and bring some new energy in it. I must make me a check list and work by it. It is always better to be organized at work; know exactly what your tasks are and do them step by step. Like one smart lady said: "when you divide your goals into bite-size pieces it is much easier to reach the top", or something like that, but that was the point. Make a list with as much information possible and just make them happen one by one.
Things I should get rid of:
1. Alcohol- must go to somebody who drinks, so as the smoking equipment in a case he roles cigarettes. I'm only thinking about our doorman, so I'll ask him if he wants it tomorrow first thing in the morning.
2. Tobacco and smoking equipment- I'm thinking of my new friend, and then there is the trash bin too for the unusable stuff. I should ask him if he wants all that shit, and if not then I'll bury it together with my ex's leftovers.
3. Unnecessary clothes- give them to people in need already! Just take the freaking bag whenever you want, ask someone to take you and that is it! Try to sell what is good enough for sale, why not? Make some money!
Things to change at home:
1. move the furniture in my living room- I remember when my room was looking so much better, and I really want it back. Of course, it is going to be a lot of hard work, but in the end it will be so much better then now!
2. Clean the house properly, vacuum and wash it everywhere as I like it, make some freshness and comfort.
3. Clean the porch- wash the floor, fix the freaking table, move everything to a normal position.
4. Reorganize the kitchen- sell everything I don't need and put things in the right places for them.
And of course, before everything I must complete and stick to my morning routine: Walk and run with Harry, Yoga, shower and a healthy breakfast and of course, write- everything. Tomorrow is the beginning of the last month of winter, and for me it is great news! I feel like it is going to be the month that everything will change, I actually feel it with every breath I take, I must do everything right this time, do not betray myself again, or else I will never have what I want. So I could be able to do all that, I must go to bed on time and have my 8 hours of sleep. So Right now I am going to sleep, and wait for the morning to begin my biggest challenge so far; start doing it right for myself full time. I must quit smoking, and I must quit thinking about my ex.
Both of them hurt me the most in the long term, even though in the short term I used to thing their making me good. I'm letting go of my self hate, I'm letting go of the hand that hold me down, I am letting go of the habit to fall to my knees for any reason which isn't yoga, I am letting go of any habit which isn't healthy for me.
P.s. What an irony, the bar outside my house is playing the song "let her go- the passenger" exactly at the moment I write the last lines of this post.
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